Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
