I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. Iām a victim of my sexual success
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