I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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