we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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