I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
