if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
