Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
