I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
