I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
