there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
