I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize