if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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