Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
