I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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