so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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