im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
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