His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
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