Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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