I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I booty called her while she was in labor.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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