captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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