At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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