Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
