You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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