I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
