my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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