omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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