I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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