The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
