I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
