i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
