I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
