I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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