I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
