well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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