My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
i just wanna soil my oats bro
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize