I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize