i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
