do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
