There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
