you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
