make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
