My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
