I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
