i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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