I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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