I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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