he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
