"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
