Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize