So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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