Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
