I think im going to throw up on grandma
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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