I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
