where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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