did you get engaged???
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
