I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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