He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
