Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
