He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
