WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
