my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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