I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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