I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
