do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
