Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize