Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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