I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
