I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
