Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
this hospital has no fireball
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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