my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
