lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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