My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
