He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
