I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
